Every Time I Think Of You, I Die A Little

Last night, I was worried. Tita Fil, my yaya, was hospitalized. She was suffering from diarrhea, dehydration, and severe leg cramps. My father, my Tiya'y Tin, and our neighbor Joy Joy went with her. I was frantic when my mom told me this. She said not to worry because she was ok, just low potassium.

5:30 this morning, i woke up to the buzzing ring of my cellphone. My mother was crying on the other line. At first I couldn't understand what she was saying. But her tone, her crying, the panic in her voice told me the one thing i never wanted to hear. "Ta, wala na si Filma. Wala na si Tita mo Fil." Everything else was a blur of sounds and anguished cry. My mind couldn't seem to function. I was in shock. I knew what was happening, I knew i should feel something, do something. But I seem to have lost myself. Lost all kinds of thoughts, lost all kinds of feelings. I couldn't even cry a tear.

I got up, went to the bathroom, drank water from the mug, sat down. There was an awfully empty space. I felt like i was living a nightmare. I knew it was happening but i couldn't seem to wake up. Like i was trapped in another body, the only thing i could do was stare into space.

I did my laundry. I tried thinking of her, tried squeezing out a tear. Nothing. Just numbness all over. I got out my laptop and researched for my thesis. I remembered hearing my mother saying something about me going home to see Tita for the last time. I debated whether it was worth it, not finishing my thesis and going home to attend the wake.

I stared for hours on end at the computer screen until my roommates were up. I was just quietly watching the screen. Not a word, not a glance, nothing. Today was the mass for the repose of Tricia's dad who died on monday. I thought, "I should go to mass. I should also offer a mass for Tita's soul."

So i went to school, telling my roommates on the way there what happened. I went to Garyn's office, then, to Fr. Lito's office to give her Tita's name. I wrote on a small piece of paper: For the repose of the soul of Filma Villan. I went and heard mass.

I ate lunch with friends at the caf. They were jolly and laughing. I couldn't even swallow my food. I could barely move my limbs; i felt so very heavy. I tasted nothing.

When i got back to LSAC, i received a call. My mother was crying again. This time, i cried with her. She told me that Nino went to Tita's room (the room i shared with her) and Tita only kissed him. I told her that I couldn't go home. I can't. I can't see Tita lying there and pretending that she was asleep. I can't bear it. I have never been fond of looking at anyone's remains. I talked to my wawa, i told her the same thing. By that time, i was bawling in the hallway, uncaring who walked by. She told me that all Tita wanted was to see my graduate. She wanted to come to Manila for my grad, to slaughter all the livestock she raised to prepare the dishes for my grad party. She wanted to see me pass the Bar. She wanted to... There was so many things she wanted to do for me and for my brother. Wawa and i cried. Papa talked to me, told me that Tita never expected to die. Her blood sugar was 270. Her lower legs were in paralysis. She couldn't feel her legs. The last thing she said was, "To Periong, habuli man bi tiil ko kay katugnaw gid. Habuli liwat kay natugnawan ko." She never expected to die. She called for a hilot yesterday. Instead of getting better, the blood clots went to her heart. She died 5am today.

I don't want to go home. There won't be welcoming hugs from her, no welcoming kiss, no welcoming dish, no welcoming surprise stuff she'd bought for me. No, I am not going to see her for the last time. I would rather remember her alive and well. My last memory of her will be her wishing me a safe trip back to Manila after a hug.

She was my bestfriend. My first one. My second mother, my playmate. She was my secret-keeper, my secret-giver. She quarreled with me; she made me understand; she taught me my values. She was the mediator when i quarreled with my parents or with wawa. She'd make my pajamas, mend my clothes, make my favorite dishes. She'd encourage me, dissuade me, and persuade me. She'd spoil me and she'd take my side. She left all hopes of having her own family and stayed with us. I will miss her terribly.

There are so many things i've wanted to say to her. Thank you. I miss you. Stay, don't leave me. I'm sorry. Happy Birthday. Happy Mother's Day. I love you.

Tears are running down my cheeks, my running nose is making me breathe through my mouth.
I feel nothing. Just a deep unfathomable void where my heart should have been.

Twix

I've been craving for Twix Caramel Bars since it's been unavailable in the local market. I've looked everywhere and nothing... So i was kind of depressed and in search for a substitute to satisfy my sweet tooth.
When Ces got back for enrollment, she went to school looking for me and Mel. Grinning, she handed me a bar of Twix. "Pasalubong ko sayo," she said.
OH MY GOSH!
My face went all slack and erupted into a great big smile.
THANK YOU!
Moments like these are precious to me.

The Baguio Adventure

April 28-30, 2008
Baguio Trip - Melodie, Patty, Hazel, Ana, Pepe, Joan, Arman, Leah & Meliecar
The Plan was set, the invites were out, the rsvps were in, the accomodations were ready, and the fun awaits. Thanks to Arman we had a very comfortable RV for our transpo. Thanks to Patty, Pepe, and Arman we had skilled alternate drivers for the uber long drive. Thanks to Pepe we had super affordable accommodations at the NFA Staff House.

Day 1:
Lunch at Tokyo Tokyo, PowerPlant by 1pm. Left for Baguio by 1:30pm. The drive was long and exciting. I got the best seat because i'm car sick during long drives. Arrived at 8pm. Late dinner at SM, Baguio. Had chicken sisig shared with Lec. Arrived at the NFA Staff house by 9pm. The van slipped while going up the side of the mountain to our cottage, which made all the girls scream like, well, girls. We immediately got down from the van only to be greeted by pitch black night in the middle of the forest. Made our way to the cottage only to find out that there was a stair pathway on the other side. Pagkatapos ipilit iakyat ang van! Sheesh, we could have parked the van below and trekked up. Scary cottage, scared occupants! Not every one had a good night's sleep. Dawn brought the much awaited sunlight to chase away the bad dreams and the ghosts of the night.

Day 2:
Breakfast at Ganza Restaurant, Burningham Park. Toured the park, sipped on strawberry taho and took pretty pictures. Went to Wright Park, watched the horses (and smelled them, too!), climbed the stairs.
Went up, and up, and finally reached the top. Stopped at The Mansion and took crazy, wacky pictures. Trekked back down to Wright Park.

Lunch at Little John's, Camp John Hay. Made our way to Mines View and Good Shepherd for a pasalubong shopping spree. Rode on towards PMA. Went up the tree house, watched the trainees doing drills and running around, climbed tanks, took funny pictures.

Dinner at Don Henrico's. Went to the grocery for late night snacks and a bottle of Tequila Rose.

Day 3:
8:30am. Breakfast at Jollibee. Went to La Trinidad, Benguet. Tasted Strawberry ice cream, wanted to pick strawberries, bought strawberries and veggies. (Strawberry fields forever)


We climbed our way up (while counting 230 steps to the altar) to the Lourdes Grotto in Benguet. Had lunch @ Dencio's, Camp John Hay after we played in the playground.
Went down from Baguio via Kennon Road. On the way home, we decided to visit Manaoag. We asked intervention from the Lady of Manaoag. I was trully awed by its beauty and sanctity.
With pouring rain, bumper-to-bumper traffic, and impending sunset, we went home to our normal everyday lives. The adventure may have ended but the memories (and the pictures) are beautiful reminders of forged bonds and shared joy.

Singing...

... for the graduates in Meralco Theather was so much fun! Why?

1. The grand piano was beautiful!
2. The acoustics of the place was awesome and so were the equipments (speakers, mic)
3. The seniors/graduating batch were so excited for their last performance in the choir. (boo hoo, they're leaving us. The graduates consisted more than half of the choir)
   
4. I had an excuse to shop for a black dress.
5. I'm singing with my friends.
6. I got appointed as an officer.
7. We have help (vocally) from the younger batch (Thank you so much, i hope you will keep singing with us!).
8. Our trainer/conductor was as strict as he was fun to be with.
9. I have no idea how to put on make up but my friends expertly applied make-up on me.
10. I knew a lot of people graduating and it was fun to cheer for them as they got on stage for their diplomas.
11. No one fell down the stairs.
12. Free dinner! The food was delicious.
    

I Really Was Studying...

... i just did it in Tagaytay.
It's been a fun adventure. Today has been a blast! Spending a day with friends at a new place with a great view was the perfect way to have fun and to study at the same time. We had an awesome ride, a long and eventful trip, witty conversations, quotable quotes, a cool corner for studying, and a great time.
I'm glad i allowed myself to go with the flow, overcome some fears, just sit back and let things fall into place. I am at peace with myself today.

Remnants of First Love

Let him go.

No!

Why not?

Just because.

You don’t love him. Why do you still want to hold on to him?

Because he loves me. He’s always been in love with me.

He’s pined for you for years and you’ve treated him like dirt.

Yes, I’ve been mean to him, scorning his love because he wasn’t cool enough.

He’s found someone who wants him. Set him free. He used to be a music box, all sweet and gentle songs.

Now he’s just a silent, broken piece of wood. I did that, I’ve broken his spirit.

Yes, you did. Being with you has turned him into a ghost of his old self. Why do you hold on so tight to something you’ve never wanted in the first place?

Because she wants him! She wants what’s mine. He’s mine! He’s mine because I am his first love.

That’s childish. You’re holding on to him not because you want him but because you don’t want to lose what’s yours to someone who wants him more than you do.

But it feels nice to be loved and adored. And he’s not complaining.

Yes, being loved and adored is a nice feeling. But the best feeling is when the one you love reciprocates your love. If you care about him even a little, let him go.

It’s not that easy. I’ve been used to having him around.

Habit. It’s just your excuse. A weak one at that. Set him free. You’ll both be better off. Loving you ruined him. Give him up. Let her fix him, your broken music box.

Fear of the Unknown

The spaces in between

The lapses of silence

Sometimes scare me.

I’m not good at subtle

Tell me, talk to me

But I am afraid

Of knowing, of the reality,

Of change, of things yet to come,

Of what I have to hear.

I am such a coward.

I've Just Turned 24!

Birthdays and more

It’s my birthday week! *giddy* BUT it’s also my hellweek.

Why the hell? Because it’s the week for make-up classes, specifically, conflict of laws. We’re having 8 hours of grueling recitations in 3 days. The assurance of having been called for recitation last year did not stop my heart from palpitating during class. Added to that was our other usual subjects to study for.

By Wednesday night, it was exhausted to my marrow. Thursday was March 6, *tada* my birthday! By 12 midnight, my phone was ringing and text messages were pouring in. *giddy with joy* My roommates who were playing computer games with me didn’t even have a clue! Ehehehe When I woke up, messages were still coming in and I was constantly talking to someone on the phone. My roomies finally realized that it was a special day and organized a small house party. Wow! I really don’t have organizational skills whatsoever so I let them. Cut my class, cleaned the house, organized our stuff, washed the laundry, and changed the sheets and covers.

I went to class bombarded with greetings. I don’t like being the center of attention but I secretly adore it. I hate it when the class sings “happy birthday” because I turn so red, but I secretly love that they remember my birthday and are trying to make an effort to care.

I was still buying grocery at Rustan’s when Ces called me asking me where I was.

“I’m at the grocery,” I replied.

“What time will you be back?” I heard the urgency in her voice. Hmm, something was wrong.

“After around 15 minutes,” I said.

“What?! [long pause] Um, you have to go home. We’re, uh, outside your unit waiting for you. We knocked but no one answered. Hurry back, we’ll be waiting outside.” She hung up.

I got home as soon as I can. And viola! They were right outside my unit, dejected and slumped on the couch. It was the funniest sight I’ve seen that day! Apparently, they wanted to surprise me with flowers...

and candy-sprinkled, candle-covered choco marshmallow cake. The candles melted but the big grin on my face remained.

I couldn’t ask for better friends.

Thank you so much. Ana, Ces, Chinky, Chris, Eunice, Hazel, Jo, Leah, Melodie, Patty, and Yoyen. It’s another great birthday with you girls.

The Nota Concert...

... was a definite high.
The 2 weeks of endless and tiring practice was worth it. My throat burned like i've swallowed pure acid but I was soaring with adrenaline rush.
Last Saturday, we held a concert for 3 of the law school orgs - Forte (for the bands, rockers, and musicians), Salsa (for the dancers), and Choir (for the singers) at Blue Leaf, Fort.
From morning until the last possible minute, we were practicing, rehearsing, reaching notes and matching tempos. And then the night began. I wish I had some way to record the whole thing because it was one of my best experiences ever. The noise, the panic, the touch-ups, the curtain calls, the numbers, and the awe and shouts from the audience. Everything seemed like a blur now and pretty soon, i'll forget all about it. But it's been three days, and I still feel the high it gave me. I love it! This is the feeling that I want to keep for awhile longer even when i can't remember everything and everyone that night.

Suddenly I was feeling depressed

It’s been a very heavy week. Everyone has felt so tired. I feel worn out, so sleepy all the time. I never seem to be prepared for class; I space out a lot; I miss out on things; I haven’t had a relaxing day with friends. I’m just so tired all the time.

Apparently, I wasn’t the only one. My friends seem to feel it too, this heavy feeling that’s been floating over our heads this week.

I’ve had to cry over the past couple of days just to get it out. It’s probably due to stress. The Nota Concert is a week away and we haven’t polished any of the songs yet. I don’t even know all the songs. The choir has been practicing practically everyday for the past week and it’s eaten up my study and sleep time. We have a new internet connection that has driven us to the point of distraction. I’ve had exams to finish, cases and books to read and thesis outline to defend. The block has been a mess since Patty left. It’s gotten worse over the past month and this week, it’s simply toxic. There are just too many issues, most of which I don’t understand. Sometimes, I don’t understand how other people react and how they think. It’s getting harder to wake up and go to school, knowing that at the end of the day, I’d be dead tired and frustrated.