Miss You Still

It has taken me two and a half years to accept the fact that you've passed away. I think it'll take me a little more time to let go.

I still cry when I think of you. I secretly open your closet to let your scent permeate the air in your bedroom as I inhale deeply. I still wear the pajamas you sew for me, old and tattered they may be.

I still miss you, Tita.

Selfish

I am praying for a miracle. Hoping. Wishing.

Every time I think about it, I feel like crying. I can sympathize with Jacob when he told Bella that every beat of her heart is precious to him because it is numbered.

If I am being selfish these days, it's because I am trying to cope.

Movie list

I love watching beautiful and amazing movies. My favorite ones are those that either make me gape and say "oh, wow!" or ones that make me reflect.

No, big guns and ear-splitting booms and bangs never make a movie great for me. Hot men or cute boys? Well, perhaps, it helps to have a hottie or two in a great movie. Amazing effects and cinematography are more like it. Again, "amazing" doesn't entail being loud (e.x. Hero, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon).

Another requirement: it should touch my heart. No need to be sappy romantic (nothing romantic in White Oleander or Europa, Europa). No need for torrid kissing. In fact, Il Mare doesn't have a kissing scene (they never even got to hold hands).

I'm not even a fan of classics. Film Noir, Humphrey Bogart, Clark Gable all drive me to boredom. Nothing is more cheesy than watching two leads embrace cheek to cheek while facing the camera.

The only scene i remember about Breakfast at Tiffany's is Audrey Hepburn munching on a sugar-free baguette in front of Tiffany's. I fell into a dreamless slumber as I watched Sleepless in Seattle. I cried tears of boredom when I accompanied a friend to watch a Meg Ryan film, the title of which I cannot even remember.

Winning an Oscar award is hardly a criterion to be in my list. Most of those the movies that I adore are not even in English (Heavenly Forest, Be With You, Waterboys, Shadowless Sword and Shinobi are a few).

I'm more into the subtle, beautiful films that leaves an impression on me.

I'm being a brat

...and I hardly seem to care.

I will, however, regret this later. Hopefully, much much later.

Right now, i'm still acting like a brat.

I recently reorganized my DVDs and VCDs collection due to an attack of OC-ness. To my exasperation, I'm missing several much-loved movies and series. Drat!

I know I'm being a big pain, but really, I'm damning every fiber of my friendly-ready-to-lend-out-my-collection self. I remember each and every one of those i've lent out and i'm wishing them back.

Drat, darn, and damn. If only i've lent out the ones i'm not going to miss.

Playlist

I have a weird taste in music. No, i'm not into the screaming-your-lungs-out punk rock music. Rather, i'm very random.

From Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies to Carlos Santana, from Much Ado's Sigh No More to L'arc en ciel's Flower, from Chris Brown's Forever to DBSK's Mirotic, from Gregorian Chants to Utada Hikaru.

I switch genres constantly in the same random way my mind works.

An online friend once asked me what makes a song great. All songs are great. It's just that i listen to the ones that catches my attention at that moment.

When watching dramas or movies, i'm sometimes more interested in the song playing in the background than in the scene itself. e.g. There's a scene in Grey's Anatomy (which i barely remember) where McDreamy reconciles with Merideth. It was supposed to be a sweet scene but all i remember is the song in the background, Fool's Gold by Adrienne Pierce.

Right now, I'm into this Korean band that sound so jazzy, Clazziquai. Dance a.k.a. Hold Your Tears has been playing in my head for a while now.



What catches my attention? Unique blends of instruments, a catchy tune, a good voice. Guitars are what makes me listen to most rock songs, a unique guitar rift. The first 15 seconds are the most crucial for me. A song that makes me stop whatever i'm doing and listen is a must-have for me.

Set Up

Chinky: [while i was applying powder in front of the mirror] Jo, gusto mo iset-up kita ng date?
Me: Ibili mo na lang ako ng aso.
Chinky: [laughing]Huh?! Bakit naman?
Me: Aso na lang or puppy kung ang hanap mo ay unconditional love and undying loyalty.

Puppy Love

He stared at me with adorable puppy eyes, a soulful brown. He was full of curiosity, like a hound sniffing everything. He won my heart the first time he fell asleep in my arms.

His name is Matt. Well, he’s a mutt. A very curious puppy to be exact. Caramel brown with a black beauty mark on his cheek. He came home with Papa a week after I arrived home. I never expected to fall in love with another dog after my own “baby” died a year ago, he was 14. But, I guess, love for the furry creatures is something that’s in my blood (which I share with my maternal lolo).
It’s been so long since I’ve had a puppy. I grew up with puppies all over the place. I never realized how much I missed holding a sleeping puppy in my arms until Matt fell asleep waiting for the rain to stop. It’s a very maternal feeling, the gentle cuddling of something so soft and small. It’s like this small, innocent little creature trusts you with his life as he lays absolutely defenseless in slumber.

Home

Wearing an oversized P.E. shirt (from high school), my brother’s shorts, and my father’s rubber tsinelas which was a few sizes bigger than my feet with chopsticks holding my hair in place, I felt absolutely at ease as I walked down the streets. I had no money in my pocket, no cellphone; I wore no jewelry, no make-up or powder and still I felt wonderful. Ah, there’s no place like home.

Courage...

... is the one thing that I need most right now. As the days go by to the moment I face another monster in my life. I know my faith will waver, leading me to question things that I don't have answers to. Yet the coward that I am, I'm deliberately prolonging the agony, deliberately forgetting, desperately wanting to forget. The clock ticks. The hands keep moving. Trickling down to the day I face one of my worst fears.

The beauty of stress and school is that they keep you from thinking of things other than what needs to be done right at that moment. The endless studying, cramming, and note taking keeps the mind off things that the subconscious ponders. School is a wonderful excuse of forgetting. It has become my escape.

Unfortunately, stuff that I've outrun are catching up to me. School has ended for the meantime.

I have no excuses left. No more pretenses. No more dreaming. I just wish that the pain will be dulled soon. I just wish that I can soon look back and smile fondly at the hazy, dreamlike memories.

Santong Dasal

A message from God:
"No man can ever claim you unless he claims you from me.
I reserved a man for you who has my heart and loves me even more than he will love you.
I won't give you unless he asks you from me.
Soon, you will know him, I have the perfect time.
You're my princess, my daughter.
Let no prince claim you unless he asks you from my hand...
For I am your Father, the King of kings.
You, my princess, are worth loving."